Captain Scruffy Takes Boston
by 0996395
Summary: Captain Scruffy, the legend, is back, and this time... Well it's not much different but he's in Fallout 4 now. This is a humorous journey through the world of Fallout 4, and sort-of sequel to a similar story about New Vegas called The Adventures of Captain Scruffy. Expect ridiculousness.
1. Prologue

_So, this is a sequel to a fic I did with New Vegas, where I made a ridiculous character and did ridiculous things and then wrote about it, hopefully creating humor through my character's actions and commentary on the game. You don't really need to read the last one to know what's going on here. Captain Scruffy is a fallout character who just does whatever he wants, and has the maturity of a 13 year old boy. Anyways, I hope you enjoy!_

* * *

 **Chapter 1: The Prologue**

War.

War never changes.

In the year 1945-[SKIP]

Scruffy found himself before a mirror. The last thing he remembered was being cornered by a group of securitrons under the control of Yes Man. They were attaching electrodes to his nether regions and were about to flip the on switch. After that was nothing but blackness. For what seemed like an eternity, or what seemed like one second's time, who can tell, there was nothing but silence and blackness. Then, a pinprick of light, growing, growing ever so fast and slow. And then, the mirror. But now he was an average looking white dude with a big nose, with an attractive woman standing behind him. It took him a second to realize what was happening.

"Ah, I'm in the character creation segment of a Fallout game. Nice. Well, this beats the living daylights out of Doc Mitchell's office, let me tell you that. Right dear?"

The woman behind him just stared ahead, occasionally making vague comments about his appearance.

His appearance!

It felt uncomfortable looking like Action Video Game Protagonist #758. Scruffy quickly used the amazing, nuanced, state-of-the-art character creation suite to turn himself into a scruffy old Hispanic man with angry eyebrows, a crooked nose, and downturned lips.

"Now that's more like it. Say, why isn't everything in this room ruined? I thought the point of fallout was that it's a play on words, fallout meaning literal nuclear fallout but also the fallout that occurs after a total nuclear annihilation. Things don't look like they've been totally nuclear annihilationed at all!"

After a couple of seconds, he got over it.

Scruffy made himself as skinny as possible, added some totally super badass scars, and confirmed his character. Stepping away from the mirror, he found himself in the idyllic bathroom of an idyllic pre-war house in an idyllic pre-war neighborhood.

"This place is totally going to get nuked, isn't it?"

"Ah good morning sir! Your coffee. 173.5 degrees fahrenheit. Brewed to perfection!" Exclaimed the shiny Mr. Handy robot named Codsworth, holding a hot coffee pot and smiling from ear to ear. Well, Captain Scruffy imagined that he was smiling by his tone.

"Okay, two things. First, I don't like your tone. And I don't like your accent. And it's 2077 and you're telling me that America is still using Fahrenheit and not Celcius? That's some hardcore commitment to an inferior means of measuring temperature, and I know all about hardcore commitment to inferior things. Like your mom."

The robot stared blankly at him. Our hero took this as a chance to examine the house in detail. It was too innocent. The wife, the morning paper, the birds singing. In Scruffy's mind it was just begging to get blown up. The coffee, the comics, the couch. The television, the trifold American flag, the… tiny, tiny baby?

"Okay Nora, you didn't tell me that we had a little son, who looks like a possessed doll. And why is he crying? I expected an open-world RPG not a parenting sim-"

Scruffy's tirade was interrupted by a ring at the door. Upon pressing "x" and watching the door magically open with no hands involved, he observed a man wearing the ugliest shade of yellow he had ever seen, in the form of a hat and trenchcoat. He possessed a Vault-Tec clipboard and a nervous smile.

"Are you sure that doomsday insurance is the right gig for you? Err, I mean…"

Captain Scruffy wasn't used to this new dialogue interface. He was used to selection off of a list of pre-set responses while not actually possessing a real voice. Now, his character had his very own voice actor and conversation was a little bit more fluid. He could ask a question, give a neutral response, give a nice response, or just be a total jerk with the circle button. In the future days he was going to love that circle button. Today, he decided to go easy on the Vault-Tec Rep.

" _Vault-Tec? Remind me again._ "

"Why we're about you, sir! And helping secure your future. You see, Vault-Tec is the foremost builder of state-of-the-art underground fallout shelters. Vaults, if you will. Luxury accommodations, where you can wait out the horrors of nuclear devastation. You can't begin to know how happy I am to finally speak with you. I've been trying for days. It's a matter of utmost urgency, I assure you."

"Ohhhhh, so that's why it's called Vault-Tec. You guys build vaults. Oh. Anyways, sure!" Scruffy said while selecting positive options for the rest of the conversation. He told himself he was being nice but really he just wanted to get on with the tutorial. Finally, a character naming and SPECIAL attributes giving screen appeared. Our hero dutifully entered his name as Captain Scruffy.

"I earned that rank in the resource wars. Or whatever."

He paused to think about his SPECIAL stats. Last time around he had made a severe error picking his attributes, only giving a "1" to strength. And it took a while for him to get out of the tutorial. So he had better consider things. He knew he wanted to go around smacking things with a tire iron for at least part of the game. But he also wanted to be familiar with all forms of slaughter and murder, so he gave himself 6 Strength and Endurance, 4 Perception, Intelligence and Agility, 3 Luck, and of course, 1 Charisma.

"I'm stacked."

He slammed the door in the Rep's face while his character automatically flirted with the wife. In the distance Scruffy heard the cry of an infant.

"I had better not have to carry this child around after the bombs drop. And how am I supposed to survive until 2287 or whatever anyway? Are they going to freeze me?"

He walked over to the kid and pressed a button to play with him, which involved a short animation of touching the kid's hand. This magically ceased the crying. His wife began to talk with him about the pleasant, idyllic activities they would have that day before his big speech at the veteran's hall that night. Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.

Codsworth summoned them to the TV. The newsman was explaining the fact that nuclear bombs were on their way to every populated area of the world.

"Finally."

Sirens went off. The front door opened like the beginning of the Kentucky Derby. Neighbors ran toward the vault. There was a tank in the middle of the street, parked like a total jerk. Our hero, Captain Scruffy, ditched his wife and infant son and frolicked toward the Vault, feeling alive for the first time since the Hoover Dam.

Scruffy checked into the vault and chuckled as the Vault-Tec Rep got rejected at the gate. He practically skipped up to the Vault platform, giddy with excitement. His wife and kid caught up to him.

"Oh well."

Scruffy automatically mouthed some loving words to his budding family as a nuclear bomb went off in the distance.

"Now that's what I'm talking about."

The elevator descended just in time.


	2. Vault 111

Nuclear bombs fell like very precisely aimed meteors onto every major populated area on Earth. The whole world was being baptized by nuclear hellfire. All of the doomsayers over the last few years had been right. For two hours on October 23, 2077, there was nothing except for light, and noise. After the last bomb detonated, there was nothing but darkness, and silence. The few living beings that survived the nuclear shockwaves and heat would be reduced further by radiation and deadly rain. It was the end of life as we know it; A sucker punch to human civilization so severe that civilized life would be nearly impossible for hundreds of years. But still, humans would adapt. And fight. And survive.

While descending the elevator into the vault, Captain Scruffy ironically whistled "I Don't Want To Set The World On Fire."

Underneath the sarcastic exterior, however, our hero was afraid, perhaps more so than the shocked neighbors around him. You see, he knew something. He knew that Vault-Tec wasn't simply a hopelessly optimistic organization that manufactured and populated fallout bunkers. It was the world's biggest collection of sick science experiments. The kind of stuff that would not only get an A at the junior high science fair, but the stuff that would also get the pimply, pubescent experimenter sent directly to the principal's office. During his adventures in the Mojave wastes, Captain Scruffy had never heard of a vault that didn't destroy all of its residents, physically or psychologically. However, he kept his composure. For five seconds.

"You'll never take me alive!" He screamed this at the security guard and Overseer who greeted him at the bottom of the shaft. They took no notice, only directing the new vault dwellers to their new homes. Captain Scruffy thought the Overseer had a creepy mustache. He walked up to the man and attempted to punch, but found that no matter how hard he pressed the square button, he couldn't engage in some good 'ole fashioned fisticuffs. He couldn't fight. He couldn't do anything except stand there or decide to walk further into the belly of the godforsaken vault. Figuratively, he had no mouth but found that he must scream.

He proceeded up the stairs and through the entrance, greeted by harsh lights and way-too-friendly Vault-Tec employees. He trudged onward, getting his clothing magically swapped for a vault suit. He trudged down a hallway. He trudged into what was clearly a chamber filled with cryogenic pods. The scientists around Scruffy explained that they needed to be decontaminated in these special chambers so that they would be clean for vault life. Our intrepid hero however knew that was a dirty lie.

"You're a dirty liar," he said to the nearest doctor who was politely motioning for him to enter the pod.

"Please step into the chamber whenever you're ready," said the man. He had graying hair and a Vault-Tec lab coat.

"Do you think your lab coat gives you the authority to tell me that black is white? That's clearly a cryogenic pod. You're going to turn everyone here into popsicles. And probably probe us in the butt or something. Nevertheless, I admit that the lab coat is pretty bitchin,'" said Scruffy.

The man in the bitchin' lab coat stared at him blankly.

"Just step into the chamber," he ordered, politely, after a few minutes. Scruffy kept waiting. If he could move his arms, he would definitely cross them.

"Just take your time. We have all day."

"Reverse psychology is not going to work on me, fancy doctor man! I have 4 intelligence. Maybe that trick would work on a 3 intelligence man, but not me."

Captain Scruffy waited for a few moments. Then he thought about the situation. It was evident that nothing was going to happen in the game until he stepped into the pod. It was also fairly evident that if he stepped into the pod, he was going to be frozen and bad things were going to happen to him and the rest of his neighbors (not that he cared). Was it better to sit here in this chamber with nothing happening for eternity, or unleash fate upon himself? The question haunted him. After some consideration he decided to stick it out for as long as he could. So that at least he had a moral victory.

He made it two solid minutes (wow!) before pressing X to enter the chamber.

He watched himself and his wife and son quickly freeze. An eternity passed. When he woke up, he heard the computer talking about a manual override. He watched a scientist and a mercenary open the door to his wife's pod and attempt to steal his son. His wife resisted, and was met with a large caliber bullet shot straight into her face.

"Hey, he stole my signature move!" Exclaimed an irritated Captain Scruffy. The two allies walked off with Scruffy's son.

"I'm probably going to have to spend half of the main quest looking for that little guy. How come every fallout FPS game has the player spend the first act of the story trying to find a person? First Liam Neeson, then Benny, now an infant named Shaun. It gets lamer and lamer."

Captain Scruffy pouted as he made his way through Vault 111. At least he could use his fists now. He randomly punched the air as he frolicked through the corridors. At one point he paused to jump in the air and spin around.

"Ahh, the radroach, my old nemesis," he muttered as he beat the stuffing out of the bug with his newly acquired security baton.

"It's not a tire iron, but it will do."

Captain Scruffy enjoyed making his way through the abandoned vault, and retracing what was evidently an armed conflict that signified the end of the vault's residents. His character made exclamations about how everything was dead, or irradiated, like it was some kind of big deal. But ironically, dead and irradiated was what Captain Scruffy was used to, while the new and shiny world of the prologue had been strange.

He noted that the man in the bitchin' lab coat from earlier was now a skeleton lying on the ground.

"Serves him right."

He continued picking through everything, and grabbing whatever loot seemed important. Then he picked up a dusty old Pip-Boy and opened the vault with it. The great steel door, capable of withstanding a full nuclear onslaught, was pulled from its socket like a Super Mutant pulling an arm from a human's socket, and rolled over like a Super Mutant Behemoth rolling over in its sleep.

At the elevator, Captain Scruffy was asked if he wanted to tweak his character. He decided to take away from Perception and Intelligence and add to Strength and Endurance so that his S.P.E.C.I.A.L. was .4.3.3. Now he could hit stuff harder, and withstand harder hits. But he might be susceptible to reverse psychology in the future.

His appearance however, was perfect.

"Enjoy your return to the surface. And thank you for choosing Vault-Tec," droned the automated voice as the elevator ascended. At the surface, Scruffy was confronted with the wasteland that he knew and loved. He had a bigger map than ever to play with. The Commonwealth was his oyster. He decided in that moment that he would not rest, that is, press X when his cursor was over a bed, until all of the greater Boston area was fully in his grasp. He gathered his thoughts, thinking that the moment was pregnant with gravity and he had better not waste his words. He made up his mind to say a few words after all that had happened to him and his family, and the mission that lay before him.

"I'm back, bitches!"

* * *

 _I'm planning to update this somewhat frequently. One way to motivate me to update this more frequently would be to leave a review!_


	3. Sanctuary and Concord

Our valiant hero, Captain Scruffy, surveyed the landscape before him. He could see the remains of Sanctuary Hills in the foreground, somewhat untouched by the nuclear blasts but suffering from over 200 years of ruin and decay. After that, a broken down truck stop. Nearby that, the tower signaling the entrance to the nearby city of Concord. He could see in the fog the steeple of a church in Concord, and beyond that he could barely make out a few of Boston's highest skyscrapers. Captain Scruffy was surprised that they had the architectural integrity to last this long. Or at least he would have been, if he were paying attention. He was busy messing with the game settings.

He turned the difficulty mode to 'Very Easy,' so that he would never seriously be challenged by combat. Besides, reloading a save and having to play the last couple of minutes of the game over was a pain he wanted to avoid. He changed his HUD and Pip-Boy display to hot pink, for style. And in the Audio settings, he turned the radio all the way up. He planned to blast Diamond City Radio (whatever that was) through his wrist during his entire rise to glory.

Ah yes, his rise to glory. Captain Scruffy had one mission in the Commonwealth. Complete domination and control. He hoped that there was a main quest line that would allow him to rule everything just like there was in New Vegas. But how? He figured that he wasn't going to take Boston doing side quests. So he knew he'd have to swallow his pride and go try to find his son.

"I would be better off without that twerp anyway," he muttered under his breath although nobody was listening. But if finding Shaun was the key to becoming the king of the Commonwealth, then so be it. The first place to look was Sanctuary Hills.

Our hero hard jogged forward off the vault elevator platform, heading straight to his old neighborhood. He ran off a 20 foot cliff face like some sort of majestic mountain ram and followed his quest marker through Sanctuary until he bumped into Codsworth. The robot was unassumingly tending the garden in front of what used to be Scruffy's house.

"Codsworth. My old nemesis. Why did you have to survive? In my new kingdom I'm going to have you scrapped for parts."

"As I live and breathe... It's... it's really you!" exclaimed Codsworth in his detestable accent. Scruffy was so fed-up that he skipped through the entire conversation. His character and the robot talked about Nora's death and Shaun's recent kidnapping. Then Codsworth offered to search the neighborhood with Scruffy.

"Yeah, as if we'd find him here. I'm probably going to have to spend half this game looking for him, meet a bunch of fun, off the wall characters, and shoot a lot of people in the face before I get to him," came Captain Scruffy's reply. Codsworth stared at him blankly. Captain Scruffy sighed.

" _All right. Lead the way."_

What followed was a delightful romp around the neighborhood that ended in six bludgeoned bloatflies, and no Shaun. How surprising.

"They're… they're really gone, aren't they?" asked Codsworth, somewhat sheepishly. Captain Scruffy decided to give the circle button a try.

" _Happy? That whole thing was a waste of time."_

"I only wanted to help sir," said Codsworth, completely crestfallen, "M-maybe you could try Concord? I've seen people in that area, and they're only slightly heavily armed."

The robot's sad reply made Captain Scruffy feel bad about himself. It was actually his first recorded instance of remorse. The robot was still going to be executed though.

Concord, eh? It was a solid lead. Scruffy knew how the game worked, though. He would be handed a one lead after another on a railroad of uncanny detective work until he found the person he was looking for. And then his choices would open up some. It was like the other _Fallout_ games, after all. The only question was how many leads it would take and how many people needed to be shot in the face before real choices presented themselves.

Our hero spent a few minutes looting Sanctuary and finding a few things of value. He boosted his Strength with a book called You're Special! He grabbed a couple of fragmentation grenades out of a trash can. He also walked away with a solid amount of Pre-War money. All the while, old world hits were playing through his radio, being jockeyed by one of the most awkward sounding, insufferable DJ's ever. Scruffy hoped there was something he could do to improve his favorite radio station, but that was going to have to be a side objective. He set out toward Concord going the way of the Red Rocket Truck Stop. Along the way, he found a tire iron sticking out of a dead scavenger.

"Yes!" he shouted, doing a small victory dance and taking a couple practice swings. He admired the animation and imagined people's faces being on the receiving end. After about five more minutes of daydreaming, he continued onward.

An object marker popped up in front of him, telling him to 'Greet the Dog.' He was in front of the Red Rocket Truck stop, halfway to the township of Concord.

"Dogmeat? Already? Hey, mutt! I work alone!"

At this, Captain Scruffy kept jogging toward his object marker. He smashed a couple of bloodbugs along the way, leveling up in the process. Our hero exclaimed in joy and took a perk that would allow him to do more damage with his tire iron. He hadn't even met real action yet, but now he was more ready. His objective marker led him to the main street of Concord. At the end of the street was a man dressed like a revolutionary war reenactor. He was firing laser blasts into raiders who besieged the museum and shouting for help. Though he sounded helpless, he was doing a mighty fine job of turning all of the raiders to ash.

"Hey! Save some for me!"

Scruffy sprinted forward, coming up behind a Raider with a pool cue and waylaying him with the tire iron. His head exploded into red paste. For the first time since the beginning of the game, Captain Scruffy began to feel alive again. He sprinted up to three other Raiders and dominated them with his tire iron before sprinting into the museum where the minuteman-looking fella promised there would be more. He was already level three. It took him exactly 59 seconds to sprint through the museum and slaughter every Raider in there with his tire iron. The last one put up a short struggle because he had a pool cue and could block Scruffy's advances. But our hero just kept swinging. This tire iron, once used to remove lug nuts from wheels of cars, was being effectively repurposed to smash heads in. And it was Scruffy's only true friend.

Before catching up with the laser blasting history nerd, he looted the whole museum top to bottom, Fusion Core and all. He ditched his cheesy looking Vault Suit for a Harness, discovering that despite having the face of a 65 year old, he had the body of a 25 year old. That explained why he could jog everywhere, no problem. After leveling up and taking a perk that allowed him to craft melee weapon mods, Scruffy visited with his new friends.

"Man, I don't know who you are, but your timing's impeccable. Preston Garvey, Commonwealth Minutemen."

"Hello Preston Garvey Commonwealth Minutemen, I'm already bored of you," replied Captain Scruffy. He was displeased to find out that there was no dialogue option to demand the location of his son Shaun at gunpoint. Lame. He would have to help these people out and then ask. He skipped through the dialogue, ascertaining from the revolution-dressed weirdo and his hillbilly repairman sidekick that there were bad people outside that needed to be un-alived, and a super suit on top of the building. And the Fusion Core (which Scruffy had grabbed only because it was shiny and therefore must be important) was the key to unlocking it. He took it all in and sprinted out of the room, passing a crazy looking couple and an even crazier looking woman, and picking up a Perception bobblehead.

On the roof, Captain Scruffy entered the Power Armor just as "Anything Goes" began to play on his radio. The game was already easy enough for him, and now he was nearly invincible and had his strength turned all the way up to 11. He grabbed the minigun but quickly put it in his pocket and withdrew the tire iron. It was all he would need (or so he thought).

Scruffy jumped off the building and tore through the ranks of Raiders. Well, I guess they only have one rank, which is Raider, but that's not what's important. What's important is that our hero racked up five more kills before being interrupted by a hideous animal scream. A deathclaw had joined the fray. Most adventurers would have turned tail and ran, but our intrepid protagonist pulled out his minigun, fired away, and jogged backwards until the Deathclaw lay dead. He was proud of himself. He looted the body so he could sell the Deathclaw Hand and Deathclaw Meat later. He noted that the creature's body was glitching so that he looked like its butt was shaking. Scruffy observed it and laughed before deciding to catch up with Preston Garvey Commonwealth Minutemen and the gang inside the Museum of Freedom. It took him a while, however, because he paused to teabag every Raider body in the city.

"That was a pretty amazing display. I'm just glad you're on our side."

" _Stop kidding yourself. You're nothing to me,"_ Captain Scruffy said. He had decided to give the circle button another chance. This time, it was a very accurate portrayal of his true feelings. None of the others had done any of the work and had given him no rewards.

Then Preston Garvey Commonwealth Minutemen gave him 100 caps and 50 Fusion Cells. That was a little better. He continued skipping dialogue.

Preston Garvey invited him to go help them establish a home in Sanctuary, to which Scruffy heartily refused. The crazy old lady told him to look in Diamond City for his son, supplying him a quest marker. Finally, another lead! He ignored the settlers' conversation and jogged in his power armor out of the museum and began down the road to Diamond City. A sonorous track about lost love played through his Pip-Boy, and our hero was one step closer to complete Commonwealth domination. He tried his best maniacal laughter, but it sounded a bit like a preteen giggle. He would have to work on that.

* * *

 _Author's Note: If you review this story, I guarantee that I will look at my notification of the review, smile and mouth the word "yes," and then read it and reply to you. Just sayin'._


	4. Great Green Jewel Of The Commonwealth

_Author's Note: I now have officially played more Fallout 4 (317 hours) than I have played Fallout New Vegas (308 hours). Thought that was interesting. Carry on._

* * *

A wrecked road lay before Captain Scruffy. He was plugging away toward Diamond City, following the crazy clue of a half-baked jet junkie toward his missing son, who he didn't even care about, so he could advance the main plot far enough to achieve total Commonwealth domination. He knew that domination was a long way off, but he was all about enjoying the journey. He had his trusty tire iron by his side, and he felt safe and warm within his new suit of power armor. It was quite womb-like, actually.

This road, however, was anything but lonesome. Along the way he had already had several encounters with would-be subjects. The first one was a trader named Trashcan Carla. She asked if he was going to trade, ask for directions to Diamond City, or just rob her. He laughed nervously. Then he sold all of his items of value to her, and purchased a pair of sunglasses (for cool factor) and a dirty fedora (for creepy old man factor). Oh, and then he decked her upside the head with his tire iron until she stopped twitching. And did the same with her pack Brahmin. Then looted the bodies. Then carried on, jauntily on his way. He made it a few steps before being ambushed by a few raiders.

"The nerve of some people! Who would just up and attack an innocent person on these roads. What kind of monsters are you?"

They all got the tire iron treatment as well.

He also ran across some subjects I mean settlers. He decided to leave these ones alone. He had to have some people left alive to rule once his kingdom was established.

The last encounter was thus: The Drumlin Diner was being held up by a couple of drug deals named Wolfgang and Simone. The people inside couldn't pay their drug tab, or something, and the drug dealers wanted their drug tab, or something, to be paid. Scruffy didn't pay much attention. He just decided to side with the aggressor immediately and attack without asking questions. The three set upon the Diner, Scruffy heading in first. They quickly overtook Trudy with a hail of bullets and tire iron smacks. Captain Scruffy rushed further into the Diner and gave Patrick a headsplosion with his tire iron. Scruffy sold more stuff to Wolfgang and headed down the road, his heart warmed. He was glad to have helped settle the problem in an efficient manner that left all (living) parties satisfied.

"Well, there's my good deed for the day."

The universe rewarded him by giving him a level up. He took the Bloody Mess perk, because of course he did. He had a lot of walking to do. He decided to sing along to the radio. "Lay that pistol down, babe, lay that pistol down! Pistol packin' mama, lay that pistol doooown!"

* * *

Scruffy walked on, down the roads, through the ruins. Sidestepping burnt out cars and overstepping rubble from conflicts gone by. He kept walking, walking until he was one with the landscape, a lone metal figure trudging on in the starlight. Most people, when they are on a journey of this kind, turn their minds to more existential matters. The meaning of life, their purpose, what will happen in the future. Captain Scruffy was thinking about how many tire iron swings it would take to defeat a Super Mutant. Probably four or five, he thought. He knew he would learn soon enough, and he took peace from that fact.

An itch had begun to take form on his leg. It was conceived somewhere between Oberland Station and the Fens, and was taking its time. At first, Captain Scruffy barely noticed it. He kept imagining different things that he could shoot or smack in the face. But it grew. It grew until it was a part of his consciousness. And from there it took over, over until it was the whole of his consciousness.

"Damn, my leg itches," said Scruffy to himself. But he didn't want to get out of his Power Armor. It was safe, warm, and comfortable in there. Eventually, though, things got excruciating. Nature won. He got out of his armor and began scratching his leg furiously. Then he heard gunshots.

It was a firefight between the guards of Diamond City and some Super Mutants! It was time to figure out the answer to his deepest-held philosophical question. He sprinted toward the fray, forgetting his leg itch entirely.

Four. The answer was four. It took him four hits to dispatch a Super Mutant. Scruffy was disappointed. He wanted to get to the point where he could dash the head of a mutie in a single blow. He would have to do more curls, or something.

Ignoring the Diamond City Watch, he hard jogged on to the entrance of Diamond City. The huge wall loomed up over on his left. He walked past barricades, guards, and automated turrets. He got behind the home base area and was met with a huge gate and a pissed-off reporter.

"You open this gate right now, Danny Sullivan! I live here. You can't just lock me out!" she whined. Then she noticed the old Hispanic man standing there and staring at her. In her dark and twisted mind she came up with a lie to get Scruffy into the city. Said he was a trader or something. Once the gate opened, Captain Scruffy ignored here and jogged straight into the City. That's where his objective was.

Now, he had a whole city to canvas. He knew that someone in town knew where his boy was, but the game didn't give him any clear quest markers. He would probably have to conduct some interviews, maybe do a quick favor for somebody to get pointed in the right direction. If only he had a worn fedora and a trench coat. After setting an elaborate plan to gather information and discover things, he walked up to Pastor Clements.

"Paper puts on quite a show, huh?"

" _Whatever. I'm just passing through._ "

The Pastor gave him advice to avoid the Institute. Captain Scruffy thanked the wise man for telling him to avoid the shadowy organization that kidnapped people, since he would never have figured that one out for himself. Then Clements asked him what Scruffy came to Diamond City for. Scruffy decided to play nice and pick the bottom dialogue options for his conversation. He explained to the man of some faith or other that he was looking for his missing son Shaun. The Pastor gave some information but definitely had more to tell. Captain Scruffy was presented with a speech challenge. Even though he had a Charisma stat of 1, he attempted. And succeeded. That was like a 60 yard field goal.

"Nick Valentine," began the pastor, "He's a detective. Saved a lot of lives over the years, but… so many more stay missing, and trouble has a habit of sticking to him."

"Nick Valentine? A detective? That ends up in trouble often? Just because one of the writers for this game read _The Maltese Falcon_ in college doesn't mean they have to take it out on us, the players. Whatever. Thanks."

Walking over to Diamond City Surplus, Ann Codman was a jerk to him at the haircut stand. It hurt his feelings. He vowed revenge at some point. At the store he picked up a combat knife (which he upgraded to serrated blade) and sold his broken pieces of Power Armor. He didn't feel like going back and getting it at this point. He stole a lot of things from the closed booths around town.

"I told you your luck wouldn't last forever…" Ellie said to herself inside of Valentine's Detective Agency. This was because she thought Nick Valentine's luck wouldn't last forever. She commented on his ties. The bills. His photographs. She whined about how she would never get another job. All of a sudden she saw a man dressed in a harness and an ugly fedora burst in with a knife and demand to know about Nick Valentine. Scruffy wanted to say something intimidating, but his character could only manage:

" _Something wrong?_ "

"Another stray coming in from the rain. I'm afraid you're too late. Office is closed.

" _I didn't come here to get brushed off._ "

"Well you can take a seat and wait for the next armageddon, because the detective ain't coming back. He's gone missing."

Instantly Captain Scruffy changed into detective mode. His name was now Scruff Christmascard. It was his new persona.

" _Do you have any idea how I could find him?_ " he asked. Ellie explained that he was last seen headed toward a vault in search of a girl who had been kidnapped by a gang led by one Skinny Malone.

" _Who's this Skinny Malone character?_ "

"I don't know much about him, but he's from Goodneighbor. That means he's into well-pressed suits and machine gun's school of thuggery," Ellie explained. Thugs. Machine guns. Suits. This was the kind of mystery that Scruff Christmascard had been waiting for. Scruff promised the dame that he'd find her boss Nicky. He had never failed to solve a case before. The truth is, he'd only had one case before, back in Vegas. And it ended with the person he was supposed to find getting eaten by cannibals. Because Scruffy let them eat him. But still, the case was technically solved. He set out into the cold and rain to find Nick Valentine. This would be easy, because he now had a quest marker that pointed directly to Nick Valentine's location.

"Scruff Christmascard is on the case!"


	5. Scruffy Makes A Friend

Scruff Christmascard was on the case. He sprinted out of Diamond City, following his quest marker like Justin Bieber fans follow Justin Bieber on Twitter. He was aided in his sprint by a suddenly hostile Diamond City security. He had no clue why they would be hostile, but he thought it could possibly have to do with the recent string of thefts around town.

"But I had nothing to do with those!" Scruffy yelled over his shoulder as he ran. Secretly, he had everything to do with those.

By the time things calmed down, he found himself outside of the Dartmouth Professional Building, interrupting a fight between robots and scavengers. Scruff Christmascard thought it was a horrendous tragedy that these two parties should be fighting. He decided to put an end to it.

"Blessed are the peacemakers, after all…" he said to himself, before stabbing everybody in the face with his combat knife until their health bars were empty. Then he looted the bodies.

By this time he had forgotten what it was he had gone out into Boston to do. Sometimes he had issues with his attention span. However, he noticed that his Pip-Boy had a new radio signal.

"Help! Or mayday! Or whatever it is one says on a radio. My name is Rex Goodman. I'm being held prisoner on the top of Trinity Tower. I think the Super Mutants plan on eating me soon. I'm setting this to repeat. Aww shit! Gotta sign off. One of the Super Mutants is coming!"

Scruff Christmascard was no detective. Well, he was technically a detective. But it didn't take a detective to find out that this charismatic man named Rex Goodman was being held prisoner on the top of Trinity Tower. And that the Super Mutants planned on eating him soon. He had to help.

Well, he didn't really care about helping Rex, but he didn't want to pass up the opportunity to see how many knife slashes it took to take down a Super Mutant. Our hero valiantly charged to the base of the tower. He dismantled the party of two Muties and a Hound (by the way, what a great band name that would make) with an average of three knife slashes each. He levelled up to level five. He took the medic perk, figuring that Stimpak efficiency would be vital to a man who ran around in a harness fighting eight foot tall superhumans armed only with a piece of sharp metal.

He rode the elevator up and began dominating every green colored thing that he saw with his knife. One time he even slashed a pool table. The color green triggered him. He looted a frag grenade, for exploding things, and ammo, to sell later to buy more explosive things. He carried on up the tower, getting his knife wet with the blood of mutanty things, and throwing a molotov here and there, and giggling gleefully.

"You humans made us! Now suffer for your arrogance!" One of the Super Mutants yelled, amid the exchange of grenades.

"Wow, that's a surprisingly mature, complex thought for a Super Mutant!" scruff yelled back before throwing a fatal molotov at its face.

After a couple of elevator rides up he began to face stronger opposition. There comes a time in every hero's journey where they begin to fight against forces that seem too strong for them. Will they press on, persevering against all odds, or will they fail and get swept into the dustbin? Scruffy decided to take a whole bunch of drugs to even the odds. After Med-X, Psycho, and, for some reason, Mentats, he was ready to go. He cut through the hordes of greenskins like a knife through mutant flesh.

At the top he encountered Fist.

"That's a pretty cool name for a mutant leader," Scruff confessed.

Fist had a little skull next to his name. And a minigun. Our hero was a little bit afraid. But he was the intrepid Scruff Christmascard. And he was high as balls. His body absorbed 5mm rounds like shock absorbers absorb shock. After a good ten knife slashes, Fist was out of the game.

"I guess you could say that Fist… got bumped," said Scruff, very proud of his one-liner. He found the key and opened the door. He completely ignored Rex Goodman and rushed into the prison cell for loot. He noticed another Super Mutant in the room. This one had a hot pink name instead of a red name, and wasn't making any attempt to slaughter Scruff.

"Strong, huh? He's a cute one. I think I'll keep him."

The greenskin encouraged the newly formed trio to take the elevator down the tower. Scruff obliged, trying not to look off the edges. He was scared of heights. Rex explained Strong's backstory.

"So, that whole milk of human kindness thing. That's from MacBeth…"

Scruff Christmascard ignored the rest. He was paid to solve crimes, not get an English lecture. He decided to make up his own backstory for Strong. Strong was a badass mutant, so badass that the others were afraid of him and decided to lock him up in their tower. Until one day, a really good looking Hispanic man freed him and some white dude and told Strong to follow him. Together, they could have wonderful adventures and smash all sorts of things. Strong agreed and they lived happily ever after.

That was a much better backstory than whatever crap Rex Goodman was pushing.

They rode down the elevator, Scruff throwing grenades at Super Mutants while Strong stood there menacingly and Rex quoted Shakespeare. If this was a ride at a theme park, it would be the best one ever.

At one point they ran through the building to another elevator while Scruff stabbed a couple of Super Mutants. Man, he was so hyped up on chems.

After a while they found themselves once again at the based of Trinity Tower. The drugs wore off suddenly and Scruff had to sit down.

"Many thanks for that timely rescue."

" _I just love rescuing idiots._ "

"I suppose that barb was justified. I did act foolishly. In any event I'm grateful."

Rex shoved a tuxedo into Scruff's territory and began to run off. Scruff stabbed him in the back so that he died. If you were to ask our hero why, he would not be able to give you a satisfactory answer. But he would probably try to stab you too.

Scruff Christmascard looked at his new pet/friend. It said something about the milk of human kindness, a line the our hero would grow to loathe in the coming days. But besides the Shakespearian idiocy, it was pretty bitchin' to have a giant mutant companion who could swing melee weapons at least as hard as he could.

So began a wonderful friendship. Our hero put some Super Mutant Heavy Armor onto Strong, enjoying the new companion interface. He offered to make Strong his detective partner, but again Strong muttered something about the milk of human kindness. Scruff shrugged it off. They were partners now, after all. And it was time to find Nick Valentine.

* * *

 _Author's Note: One thing that Captain Scruffy loves as much as senseless violence is reviews about his story from you!_


	6. 32 Deaths

Scruff Christmascard and Strong made quite the formidable duo, running through the streets of Boston toward the Boston Common. Discovering the Boylston Club caused Scruff to gain a level. He took Strength training to bring it up to 9. (Author's Note: At this point, Captain Scruffy's level-ups are going to drop out of the narrative, save for the milestone ones. Just assume he's taking a perk that will enable him to kill things better).

Scruff began his complicatedly choreographed victory dance, but noticed a gigantic Super Mutant walking around in the park. A quick scan using V.A.T.S. revealed it to be named "Swan."

"Man, that behemoth is bigger than your mom," he muttered to nobody in particular. Scruff weighed the merits of trying to sneak past the thing to get to Nick Valentine but decided that sneaking is for wussies and after all he hadn't killed anything for at least five minutes. He pulled out his minigun and began to fire away.

Swan got pissed.

It pulled a giant rock from out of nowhere and threw it at Scruff's face, doing 17 damage. Strong yelled something that Scruff couldn't make out over minigun fire while the Swan ran towards them. This was going to be easy. Swan's health bar was already at 75% percent. When the behemoth got over to Scruff, however, he did a blow that did about 200 damage, leaving Scruff hanging on a tightrope between life and death. We whimpered a little bit and scampered away while forcefully jamming two stimpaks into his arm. Strong attempted to defend Scruff but was downed in only two blows. There was only one thing Scruff could do: Jog backwards while unloading with his minigun. And that's exactly what he did. 550 rounds and two more stimpaks later, Swan fell to the ground, dead. Scruff peed a little.

Strong rushed up to our hero, magically alive after the conflict got over. How convenient. Scruff looted the massive body and gave his mutant companion the Furious Power Fist, but was dismayed to find out that Strong was unable to equip it.

"That's a shame. But furious, power, and fist are three of my favorite words. I guess I'll have to use it."

Captain Scruff, er, Scruff Christmascard, slid the power fist onto his arm, instantly feeling the furious power.

"Let's go take some bitches down!" he yelled, frolicking into the Park Street Station.

Him and Strong utterly dominated the four Triggerman on the landing floor. The way that they flew backwards after getting hit amused Scruff to no end. He began keeping score of how many kills Strong and he would get, deciding that it was very important to see who the better killer was. So far it was Scruff 3, Strong 1.

They roved into the next area, a giant underground subway platform full of angry mobsters. Scruffy destroyed all six of them with powerful punches before sprinting onward. He felt so alive. Part of it could have been the Med-X that he took immediately before entering the Station. They ran on toward the Vault entrance. Outside the big door the three triggermen sentries were made short work of. Scruff went up to the door and plugged his Pip-Boy into the console. He always loved the Vault door opening animation.

Scruff and Strong tore through the Vault entrance, leaving nothing except body parts and gore in their wake. Scruff was getting all the kills while Strong jogged behind him. The mutant was getting to the action too late.

Once inside the Vault proper Scruff encountered a man named Dino, who was staring at a window and apparently taunting it. Scruff pulled out the minigun. Anybody who taunted windows deserved to die. For their arrogance.

"Hey! I don't know who you are, but we've got about three minutes before they realize that meat-for-brains ain't coming back. Get this door open," the window commanded. It was then that Scruffy realized that it was not in fact the window that was talking, but a detective on the other side. The subtitles on his screen identified him as Valentine.

"Heck yes! I am the greatest detective of all time!" said Scruff, opening up the door.

"Ah, my knight in shining armor. But the question is, why does he come all this way, risking life and limb for an old private eye?"

Scruff informed him that he was tracking a murderer.

"So you need a little angel of vengeance, huh? I don't usually go after blood money, but I guess I can make an exception," Nick began. Scruffy skipped the rest of the dialogue. Something about a missing daughter and getting out of the Vault. Scruff was getting bored and wanted to kill more things. Now that he had found Nick Valentine he was done detectiving. He changed his persona back to that of Captain Scruffy, future King of the Commonwealth. He began to follow Valentine out of the room, but not before picking up the Speech bobblehead inside. Now he could sell more of his ill-gotten gains before moving on to the next vendor.

Once down the stairs, Nick dropped into a crouch. Scruffy and Strong didn't. They didn't sneak. The detective said something about incoming Triggermen. Scruffy's ears perked up and he sprinted past Valentine, equipping a grenade. He threw it into the midst of the small gangster party, killing two of them. He decided that if he ever came out with a rap album he would name it "Small Gangster Party." He finished off the last one with a Furious Power Fist blow to the face. Strong had fallen way behind in the kills contest. It was 23 to 1. But now Nick Valentine had entered the contest as well, and time could only tell what the fedora wearing P.I. was capable of.

And so it went, the three unlikely amigos running through the vault and killing things. Well, Scruffy was doing most of the killing. They were on the way to the Triggerman boss. Things went quickly with Scruff sprinting through and punching anything that put up a fight. Soon enough they found themselves on the outside of the Vault, having a confrontation with Skinny Malone, Darla, and the boys. Which is also a good name for a music group.

"Nick? What are you doin'? You come into my house. You shoot up my guys. You have any idea how much this is going to set me back?"

"I wouldn't be here if it weren't for your two-timing dame, Skinny. You should tell her to write home more often," Nick replied.

Scruff stopped paying attention. Clearly an argument happened of some kind. Then Darla addressed him. They were all standing there waiting for him to say something. This is awkward, Scruffy thought to himself. He decided to throw a grenade in the middle of the group, to relieve the tension. They all died instantly, being swept backward off their feet in synchronized fashion. The final kill count was 30 Scruffy, 1 Strong, and 0 Nick Valentine. Slackers.

Nick made a wisecrack and then suggested that they leave the Vault, the very thing that Scruffy was eager to do. There was nothing left here to punch. Before going, through, he looted the bodies. Including Malone's tuxedo. Even though the man was over 300 pounds the Tuxedo magically fit Scruffy fine. He felt cool. Once outside, Nick Valentine asked Scruffy a couple more questions about his missing son and then encouraged Scruffy to visit his office in Diamond City. Then the detective ran off.

"Yeah, whatever robot man! Don't tell me what to do!" Scruffy retorted. He waited about ten seconds and then fast-traveled back to Diamond City.


	7. Kellogg Gets A Surprise

Quick shoutout to my three followers, Foxsoulredux, Kaled1004, and Leytra Incorporated. I'm having as much fun writing this as you are reading this.

* * *

Captain Scruffy pressed the circle button to open his Pip-Boy menu, pressed the right trigger a couple of times to get to the map, put his cursor over 'Diamond City,' and pressed the X button. He was instantly whisked to the city's entrance. Well, sort of instantly. The game estimated how much time it would take to get there and advanced the time accordingly. But from Scruffy's perspective, all it took was a loading screen.

The last time he was at Diamond City he had been violently run out of it for stealing things. He wondered if the undeserved hostility would continue. It did not. The Diamond City Security didn't even give him a first glance, even though now he had a giant mutant with a sledgehammer following him. Nobody mentioned Strong at all. Maybe they were too afraid. Scruffy frolicked to the Valentine Detective Agency, intent on finding the bastard who took his son. And punch him. Hard.

After a reunion with Ellie, Valentine had our hero sit in a crappy chair.

"When you're trying to find someone who's gone missing, the devil is in the details. Tell me everything you can, no matter how… painful it might be."

"Well, given that everyone keeps talking about the Institute and all of that, it's gotta be them. It's totally them, right? I'm the best detective ever," Scruffy boasted, before selecting the dialogue option that would describe his kidnappers. Then he described his son. Nick Valentine thought for a moment and then offered that it could be the Gunners, Super Mutants, Raiders, or The Institute that took Shaun.

"Again, it's totally the Institute. Sigh. _So you think this Institute is responsible?_ "

"Well, they're the boogeyman of the Commonwealth. Something goes wrong, everyone blames them. Easy to see why. Those early model synths of theirs strip whole towns for parts, killing everyone in their way. Then you got the-"

Scruffy skipped the monologue. And then reminded Nick that they're here to find Shaun, not talk about robots. Nick asked what the kidnappers looked like.

" _One of them came right up to me. Bald, scar across his left eye."_

"Wait. It couldn't be… You didn't hear the name 'Kellogg,' at all, did you?"

" _Oh yeah, I heard their names, their home addresses, and where their diary keys are hidden!_ " shot back Scruffy. He was proud of the sarcastic dialogue choices that were common in Fallout 4.

"All right all right, calm down. Hmm... It's way too big of a coincidence. Ellie, what notes do we have about the Kellogg case?" Nick asked. It was then that Scruffy noticed his assistant standing over Nick's shoulder with a clipboard, like a substitute teacher taking roll.

"The description matches. Bald head. Scar. Reputation for dangerous mercenary work, but no one knows who his employer is."

Nick asked if Kellogg had a house here in town and also did he not have a kid with him.

"Yeah, that's right. The House was in the abandoned West Stands. The boy with him was around ten years old."

"Hmm," said Scruffy, "The plot thickens." He stated that it had to be Shaun, somehow. Maybe kids hit adolescence early in post-apocalyptic America. Nick offered for the both of them to go check out Kellogg's house in the stands. Captain Scruffy whistled and said 'Here boy!' to get Strong to follow them. The game was on.

A couple of failed lockpicking attempts and a Geneva bribe later, they were in.

Scruffy wasn't sure what they were looking for. He decided to look up this quest on a wiki in order to figure out what to do. Thanks to that he pressed a hidden button behind the desk on the first floor, which opened Mr. Kellogg's secret mercenary closet. Life was easy when you could look things up on the internet whenever you got stuck.

Scruffy looted everything of value and then picked up Kellogg's box of cigars. Then Nick used his high frequency whistle to summon Dogmeat to the front door.

(Author's Note: I've played through this mission a good nine times, and I never understood why Dogmeat magically teleports to the front door of Kellogg's house. But this time, since I totally ignored Dogmeat, Nick called him in with a whistle. He still got to the door rather fast for being summoned halfway across the Commonwealth, but the more you know, right?)

Captain Scruffy took a look at the dog and realized that it was the same exact one that he ignored earlier.

"You've got to be freakin' kidding me! I thought I left you at the Truck Stop for good, and now I have to spend the next fifteen minutes staring at your butt while you run around the wasteland. Awesome."

Scruffy showed the dog the cigar. They left Nick behind in Diamond City while the dog ran out of the front gates, trailed by our hero and Strong. Scruffy took a detour, however, into the marketplace. He sold all of the guns and ammo from Park Street Station and made a small fortune. He bought some upgraded armor and a new Sledgehammer for Strong that he could upgrade when the time came. Then he ran out of Diamond City into the great unknown.

And so they went, tracking the mercenary that kidnapped Shaun. Scruffy knew that this Kellogg man was the key to him ruling the Commonwealth. He would punch him in the face until he stopped moving and then he knew that the game would give him the next lead toward Shaun. And total Commonwealth domination.

But from a gameplay perspective he spent the next fifteen minutes staring at Dogmeat's rear end, showing him cigars, and punching wildlife. You have to start somewhere.

At last they made it to Fort Hagen. Scruffy ditched the mutt and ducked into the entrance below the parking garage, while Strong angrily dispatched a Bloatfly.

Once inside Scruffy sprinted up three flights of stairs and punched the nearest Synth in the face. Then he punched the next nearest synth in the face. Then the next one. He did this about 20 times until he was standing in a heap of robot parts and fusion cells. Oh, and I guess he punched some turrets, too, judging by the 5.56 rounds he found in his inventory later on.

He took the elevator downstairs and began punching his way through the corridors. Synths, for all of the bad hype they had received, made excellent punching bags.

"I'll wear your guts around my neck!" exclaimed Strong to a random Synth. Scruffy decided against informing the mutant that Synths did not, in fact, have guts. The mutant was pretty pissed already because our hero had picked a couple of locks, apparently taboo in the Super Mutant world.

Further and further they went, into the command center.

"Huh. Never expected you to come knocking on my door. Gave you 50/50 odds of making it to Diamond City. After that? Figured the Commonwealth would chew you up like jerky," rattled Kellogg's voice over the loudspeakers.

In the first hallway a Synth charged Scruffy. He blocked the swipe of a shock baton and deftly punched the Synth in the face. He ran down the hallway dodging blue laser shots and exacting death to the robots.

"How about this for a manual override!" he yelled while sending the rebar tips of his power fist into a Synth's mainframe.

Kellogg gave him a chance to leave over the intercom. Scruffy wasn't afraid of Kellogg. Sure, he may have more hitpoints than the average baddy, but Scruffy had the power of friendship on his side. He knew with Strong on his side, he couldn't fail.

His health bar was staying full, too. Every few sections he would find a random bed and sleep in it for an hour to restore his health all the way. This would be completely unacceptable in the real world where you would be found by the enemy Synths and get shot within the span of a few minutes, but in the world of Fallout it was A-OK.

Scruffy got up, stretched, yawned, and got back to the slaughter. Along the way he found a password to get into Fort Hagen's armory. And inside the armory, a Fat Man. Scruffy could hardly conceal his joy.

"That will come in handy later," he said, tucking the six foot long nuclear catapult into his back pocket.

After a couple of turrets, they had made it to Kellogg. He decided to stand his Synths down so him and Scruffy could talk. Scruffy hard jogged into the room, after taking Med-X and Psycho. Once Scruffy was in, the lights came on, and Kellogg began to stroll forward, flanked by Synths.

"And there he is. The most resilient man in the Com-"

He didn't get to finish, because Scruffy pulled the Fat Man out of his back pocket and fired away.

The Mini Nuke was flung from its launcher at the rate of an MLB change-up. It only took half a second to fly straight into Kellogg's groin. The man died instantly, whether due to the explosion or to the metal ordinance destroying his crotch region who can say?

Scruffy looted the body, leaving the corpse in his underwear. On a nearby terminal, he found a lead. Shaun had been delivered to the Institute, and Kellogg was being tasked with tracking down a renegade. Interesting. Scruffy would have to discuss his findings with his detective colleague. Scruffy paused to take a moment and punch Kellogg's dead body a few times. Then he went up to the roof and saw the Prydwen flying in.

"So the Brotherhood enters the party. The plot thickens."

Scruffy fast-travelled to Diamond City.


	8. Goodneighbor

Once he made it to the market, our hero sold all of his loot but of course kept his Fat Man launcher, because portable nuclear annihilation is a handy ace in the hole. He also kept a fair supply of chems in his inventory, except mentats, because in his own opinion, the last thing he needed was heightened intelligence and perception.

"I need a drink. Nuka-Cola…" came a tired voice next to Scruffy as he sold all of Kellogg's cybernetic parts at a nearby stall. It was Sheffield, a weary alcoholic. Captain Scruffy figured he could earn some experience points or companion affinity by giving the man a bottle, but he also had a better idea. He dropped a Nuka-Cola from his inventory and, holding X to pick it up, dangled it in front of the man's face for a few minutes. Then he tucked it between the sitting man's legs and chest where it fit neatly. Now Sheffield had a Nuka-Cola without actually having one. Scruffy laughed gleefully and then moved on with his life, forgetting the oppressed Sheffield forever.

At the Valentine Detective Agency, Captain Scruffy found Piper and Nick standing there ready to chat. He skipped through all of the dialogue and found a new map marker pointing to the city of Goodneighbor. He fast travelled to the nearby Park Street Station and punched everything between him and the gates of the city.

Goodneighbor was a municipality located in the heart of Boston, surrounded by Super Mutants, Ghouls, Gunners, and Raiders. There were several small businesses therein, people just trying to squeak out a living. It was the antithesis to Diamond City, a walled stronghold, as safe as a place could be in the Commonwealth, only populated by stand-up, moral people. And no ghouls. Goodneighbor, on the other hand would take anybody as long as people were at least 90% sure that the newcomer wouldn't be too violent. There were a lot less rules, both legally and socially. Scruffy was going to fit right in.

Once inside, he was met by a curious character.

"Hold up there. First time in Goodneighbor? Can't go walking around without insurance." The HUD revealed the man's name to be Finn. He had blue eyes, a rough face, and no idea who he was talking to.

" _Unless it's keep-dumb-assholes-away-from-me insurance, I'm not interested."_

"Now don't be like that. I think you're going to like what I have to offer. You hand over everything in those pockets, or accidents are going to start happenin' to ya. Big, bloody accidents."

"I'll give you a big bloody accident!" Scruffy roared, before unloading with a Furious Power Fist haymaker. Finn's face exploded and out went everything that used to live behind it. The headless body slumped to the ground as an oddly dressed Ghoul named Hancock stepped up to the scene.

"Someone steps through the gate for the first time, you lay off that extortion crap," he said, not realizing that Finn was already very dead. Then Hancock just stood there at a distance, looking at the body. Scruffy thought he might say something, but no. After an awkward silence, Scruffy looted the body and hard jogged onward toward his quest marker.

He found himself in the Memory Den. Here was where sad souls could go to relive past memories instead of facing the present problems in their lives.

Nick Valentine was in conversation with the proprietor, Irma.

"Well well. Mister Valentine. I thought you had forgotten about little ole' me."

"May have walked out on the Den, Irma, but I'd never walk out on you," came Nick's smooth reply.

"Hmph," said Irma. "Amari's downstairs, you big flirt." Nick walked that way. Scruffy caught up with him.

" _Nick,_ " began Scruffy.

"Let's go talk to Amari," replied Valentine, not even looking at our hero.

"Nick, you totally had sex with that woman, didn't you? How does that even work? You're a robot!"

"Let's see what Amari is up to," came Nick's answer.

"Don't ignore me at a time like this man, I was offering congratulations. Half of your face is missing but you're not letting that hold you back. That's impressive!"

Nick was silent the rest of the way.

Once downstairs, Nick and Scruffy (which would make a great indie folk band name) explained the situation to Amari. Our hero actually paid some attention to the conversation this time and used minimal sarcasm. Apparently his inventory had part of Kellogg's brain, and they were going to use that to dive into the man's memories and find out the location of the Institute. Presumably so Scruffy could take over and then rule the Commonwealth.

Amari didn't understand the plan at first, but she was eventually convinced. She thought it was impossible at first but then came to the conclusion that they could attach Kellogg's cyborg brain to Nick's android brain and see if that led to anything.

Nick sat down, and Amari began the operation. Nothing happened. The scientist and the detective decided that Scruffy needed to enter the conveniently placed memory lounger next to Nick and use his brainpower to break an encryption and dive into Kellogg's memories himself.

Scruffy hopped into the lounger while Strong looked on silently. He hadn't said anything since he had voiced his approval at looting Finn's body.

Suddenly, Scruffy's screen went all white. And then he found himself inside of a visual representation of Kellogg's memories. It was like the worst amusement park ever, even worse than it's a small world. Captain Scruffy ran along a path of what looked like neurons, and every so often he would pass into a scene from Kellogg's life. He simply jogged past those. If somebody was actually interested, they would have found a creative retelling of a complex character's life story told in an inventive medium. But history was Scruffy's least favorite subject. He knew that he would find what he needed at the last scene, and so he pressed on. It was worse than following Dogmeat the previous mission. At least he got to hit things then.

In the manner of 45 seconds or so, Scruffy watched the man grow up, become a mercenary, start working for the Institute, and kidnap Shaun. In the kidnapping memory Scruffy stopped for a little bit to admire his own face inside of the Cryogenic Pod, but then continued.

At last he came to a memory where Kellogg was with Shaun. It appeared to be from the time just before Scruffy had reached Diamond City. In it, an NPC marked 'Institute Courser' took Shaun back to the institute via teleportation. And Kellogg was a little bit sad about it. Wussy. It also mentioned a guy named Virgil who had ran away from the Institute and was hiding in The Glowing Sea. Yep, thought Scruffy, that's sufficiently far away and dangerous-sounding enough to probably be the next lead on the mission to find Shaun.

After the scene ended, Scruffy pressed X on the TV and found himself back inside the Memory Den.

A conversation with Doctor Amari revealed that, sure enough, the next quest was to find Virgil in the Glowing Sea. He figured he could use his old suit of Power Armor which he had left on the outskirts of Boston. And Strong would be find.

Scruffy found Nick sitting on a bench upstairs in the Den. The game didn't give him any reason to start a dialogue with Nick, so he didn't. He just said something like 'Congratulations on screwing Irma, my dude,' and ran off into the Commonwealth once more.


End file.
